Addison & Jace ::: en route

We are giving the Rockies lots of love this season — game...

Thu, 31 May 2012 20:15:32 -0600

We are giving the Rockies lots of love this season — game 4!

Questions Frequently Asked of a Trans Guy

Thu, 24 May 2012 17:10:02 -0600

Since publicly coming out as transgender on April 24, 2012 (big day), I haven’t had much of a chance to write about life as a trans guy. And I haven’t had much time to even answer people’s questions about life as a trans guy. Right around the time I came out, work erupted, and the legislative session demanded every moment of my little life.

But today, I have time. And today, I mark one month since coming out. In honor of my one month anniversary as an out and proud trans guy, I thought I might answer some frequently asked questions.

1. What does it mean to be transgender (or trans, as you say)?
A kind of official definition, if there is one: a transgender person is any individual who finds themselves left out of society’s usual gender roles.

But the really important thing to know: there is no ONE transgender experience. Some describe being transgender as being born into the wrong body or being trapped in the wrong body. Others describe the trans experience as wanting to live outside or beyond the gender binary, not male or female—but neither, both, or something altogether different.

My own experience is just mine and can’t (and shouldn’t) be forced upon others. I realized, after a lot of self-exploration and discovery, that there’s a disconnect between my mind and my body. My mind (also known as my gender identity) says I’m male; my body (also known as my physical gender or my sex) says I’m female. I’m embarking on a process of transition to make sure that my mind and my body are lined up. When they are, I’ll be able to live authentically.

2. How did you know you were trans?
I discovered my trans identity through self-exploration and introspection. A lot of thinking. A lot of experiencing. A lot of feeling my experiences. It was a difficult, overwhelming, painful process. During many moments, I tried to convince myself that I am not trans, but in the end, I realized that living honestly was worth all the struggle that I would face.

Again, this is how I came to know I am trans. But clearly, not everyone gets to a trans identity in the same way. Just the other day, I read a story in the Washington Post about a young boy who knew he was transgender at age five. It didn’t take months and months of introspection and experiences to discover who he is. He just knows. He was born a girl, but he’s a boy.

The common thread in our story is that we’re not living a lifestyle or making decisions based on preference. A trans identity is deeply engrained in who someone is.

3. How does your partner feel about your trans identity?
Like me, Addison is on a journey. Just as I had to realize who I am, she now has to realize who she is with a trans partner. It hasn’t been easy. We both pushed back on the idea that I am trans; we both struggled. But we’ve come to an honest place. A place where we tell each other what we think and how we feel. A place where we’ve realized that the love we have for each other is strong, stronger than we even imagined. A place where we’re willing to put in the time and energy to live and thrive in the face of change.

In short, Addison has been incredibly supportive over the past few months. I love her more than ever. And nothing compares to the feeling I have when she calls me her “husband.”

4. Why did you come out? How are people responding?
I came out because I believe that being open about who you are and sharing your story is the only way to educate people. By and large, everyday people have no idea what it means to be transgender. My coming out may help a few of them understand. My being visible as a trans person may build bridges to mutual respect and understanding. I came out because I believe it is my responsibility to be open and honest and willing to share my story.

Overall, people have responded in an incredibly positive way. My boss has been an amazing ally, and my co-workers haven’t skipped a beat (then again, I do work at an LGBT organization). My friends have been warm and accepting. Even acquaintances have been kind. It’s been overwhelming, in fact, to have so many people love and respect me.

My family has had the most difficult time, and that’s to be expected since they’ve known me the longest. But I think it’s important to give people time and space to process their own feelings and reactions. Although things are rocky now, I have faith that, in time, we’ll all be close again.

5. What is transition? What are your plans?
Transition is a process that trans people undertake in order to align their gender identity with their physical gender/sex. Transition takes many forms and may include name changes, hormone therapy, or surgery. Everyone’s transition looks different.

For me, I will legally change my name from Jess to Jace, and the complicated process (which includes background checks and legal proceedings) is already in motion. I will also change the gender marker from female to male on my forms of identification. I have been under the care of mental health professionals who are helping me gain access to hormones (commonly called hormone replacement therapy), specifically testosterone that will make my body more masculine (making me grow facial and body hair, deepening my voice, and redistributing my body weight). I also seek to have top or chest surgery, which will remove my breasts to give me a more masculine-appearing chest.

But my transition process isn’t really what’s important. What’s most important to know about me (that you probably already know — but reminders are good):

Please call me by my new name (Jace).
Please use male pronouns when talking about me (he, him, his).
If you make a mistake, quickly correct yourself, or just use the correct name / pronouns next time. Never make a big deal out of your mistake.
The best way you can be an ally is to help me navigate awkward situations. Help correct folks who don’t know I’m trans by pulling them aside and asking them to call me Jace and use male pronouns. Model the appropriate way to interact with me (as in, not asking me questions that you wouldn’t normally ask people — like “What’s in your pants?”).
Understand that the transition process takes a lot of time and money, and that although it may be a while before I sound like a boy or look like a boy, I am still a boy.

Club level, bitches! Awesome spot to see the Rox on a beautiful...

Sun, 20 May 2012 13:06:04 -0600

Club level, bitches! Awesome spot to see the Rox on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, thanks to an awesome OC donor.

Jace and I headed down to Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs...

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 17:52:25 -0600

Jace and I headed down to Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs over the weekend. Our favorite gay, Dan, tagged along, too. We did a lovely 2 mile-ish hike and took in some beautiful vistas! Even after being here for over a year, I’m amazed by how different the scenery is out here. Denver has gotten a lot of rain (by CO standards) lately so everything is nice and green! Flowers are blooming, the trees have leaves again, so to see how barren and desert-like it is a little over an hour away was surprising. And those red rocks are just stunning. We definitely don’t have anything like it in SC!

We capped our afternoon with a trip to Cracker Barrel. There aren’t any in city limits, so it had been over a year since Jace and I had been to one. It was Dan’s first time ever, so we were excited to show him such a Southern tradition. Growing up my sister and I sought out Cracker Barrels on road trips like we were trying to win a game! We’d beg for every toy in the store, play too many rounds of checkers, and we’d always leave with at least 10 sticks of candy. I think my Southern drawl came out at lunch; Dan seemed frightened. No worries, though! We’re back in the big city, and my voice has returned to normal! : )

I love that we get to travel on the weekends and take day trips to such unique places. I look forward to exploring more of our beautiful state!

Today, my boss Brad and I sat down to make a video to tell the...

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 14:41:00 -0600

Today, my boss Brad and I sat down to make a video to tell the world that I am trans. Making the video was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. But I have been so overwhelmed by the support I’ve received. I am one lucky boy.

I Am Trans

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 09:05:00 -0600

After more than six years of not knowing who I am, a year of searching and exploring my heart and soul to understand myself, and a couple of deep conversations with an experienced therapist — I have realized that I am transgender.

Trans. A word I resisted for so long. But an identity that fits, finally.

It took me a while to get here. If you’ve been following the blog, you know that I’ve been struggling with my gender identity for the past several months (re-live my past Reflections on Gender here). But my journey began many years ago.

Six years ago. I remember standing in front of the mirror getting ready to go out to a gay club with friends. I looked at myself wearing women’s clothes — a button-down shirt with darts and black dress pants. And I broke down. I didn’t understand why, but I had a bit of a panic attack and was overcome by anxiety. I didn’t go out that night, and not long after, I bought my first outfit from the men’s department.

And so my journey began, and my family and friends have watched it unfold, day by day, year by year. Wearing more and more men’s clothing. Cutting my hair shorter and shorter. Using bras and other contraptions to try to hide my breasts. Changing my name (Jessica) to something more gender neutral (Jess). For years, I existed in a confusing place. I didn’t understand why, but I was a woman who preferred to look like a man.

It wasn’t until I moved to Denver that I learned what the word “transgender” means. When I first heard the word, I heard it defined as “someone who is trapped in the wrong body.” But over the course of the past 18 months, I learned more about what transgender really means as I met trans people who were living happy and healthy lives with jobs, partners, homes, and bright futures. I heard stories from these incredible people and began to understand that a transgender identity is far more complex than I first realized. Some trans folks feel they were born in the wrong body; others simply want to reject the gender binary that forces them to define themselves as male or female; still others want to live on a continuum closer to the end of the spectrum they weren’t born on.

There is no one transgender experience. There are many transgender experiences, each one different from the other, each one valid.

My own experience is quite simple (once I finally came to understand it): a disconnect exists between the gender in my head and the gender in my body. I was born a girl, but in my head, I am a boy.

Research has shown us for decades that changing the mind is harmful and, in fact, impossible; we can’t convince someone that they are something they aren’t. Just like you can’t change someone’s sexual orientation, you can’t change someone’s gender identity.

So in order to live an authentic life, I have to change my body, not my mind. That process is called transition, and it looks different for everyone.

For me, some changes are easy. When I’m wearing a suit and tie, I feel authentic — so I’ll continue to wear men’s clothes. When someone calls me “he,” I feel authentic — so I’ll ask the people in my life to call me “he,” and I’ll legally change my name to a male name: Jace Walker Woodrum.

Other changes are a little harder. When I press my breasts down under a binder so that you can’t see them, I feel authentic — but it isn’t healthy to bind your breasts. And so I must pursue surgery to remove my breasts in order to live authentically. I will also take male hormones (testosterone), which will lower my voice, cause the growth of facial and body hair, and make other adjustments to my body so that I will look more male.

This part of the journey — transition — is terrifying. But I have to live authentically. I have to be who I am. At some point in this process, I will be able to walk through the world as male. No one will know that I was born a woman or that I am transgender. I will simply look male. I look forward to that day, that day when I am truly me.

Until then, I’ll put one foot in front of the other and take steps toward the person I am meant to be.

Love that Denver skyline from Coors Field!

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 19:44:51 -0600

Love that Denver skyline from Coors Field!

First Rockies game of the season!

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 19:41:51 -0600

First Rockies game of the season!

Reflections on Gender, Part Four

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 09:17:00 -0600

I’ve written on gender three other times.

In Part One, I looked back over years of gender confusion and embraced a new identity: genderqueer. I rejected the gender binary and refused to think of myself as male or female. I was something else entirely.

In Part Two, I was overcome with a connection to my womanhood. Overtaken by my desire for babies, by my love for women, by the hateful, nationwide attack on women, by conversations with proud butch women who bravely blur gender lines with their short hair, male clothing, and masculine energy. I was drawn back into the binary, back into a female identity (albeit, one with a strong masculine expression).

In Part Three, I swam to the other side of the binary, exploring the masculine part of myself. The part that feels confident and secure the more masculine I look, the part that hates my breasts and has since childhood, the part of me that uses the men’s restroom because the women’s is too scary. And for the first time, I asked a question that has been in my head but that was far too frightening to ask out loud: am I transgender?

Throughout this process, only one thing has been constant: change. I am evolving.

At every phase of this process, it’s been hard to construct my thoughts and feelings into words. And frustrating to admit that I am still unsettled and unsure. And terrifying to experience a journey that’s so exhausting and confusing.

I know it’s a necessary journey, a worthwhile journey. So I stay on it. And I keep walking, one foot in front of the other, living my experience and noting my feelings, one by one.

But this process of evolution takes its toll. For nearly a year, I have been overcome with stress and anxiety. I have shared my struggles only with a few, not wanting to burden my family and all my friends. But it has been difficult. As strong as I am, this journey has made me feel weak.

And so I have sought out help. Two weeks ago, I had my first therapy appointment. Well, not my first ever therapy appointment. But my first therapy appointment to talk about this journey. And it was amazing.

I know there are many, particularly people in my family, who don’t think much of therapy. They consider therapy something that crazy or messed up people get. But I myself love therapy. If I had wealth, I’d be in a therapist’s office every week, processing my feelings, talking through my stress, and dealing with life. Sadly, I don’t have wealth, and I hadn’t been to see a therapist since college.

My first time back in the chair was incredibly affirming, validating, and stabilizing. I threw out everything I’ve been experiencing — things I’ve written about here on this blog and other things I’ve hidden — and in the conversation, I experienced such clarity and understanding. I left feeling better than I had felt in months, maybe longer.

In one hour, I will be back in my therapist’s office for my second visit. Just before my first visit, I felt nervous. Today, I’m feeling energized and eager. I feel ready to share more of my story and to continue on my journey with another ally. I think we’re getting somewhere, and we’re moving much faster and with much less pain and confusion than when I was traveling alone.

I’m not sure where we’ll end up, but I know one thing is true: it’s the journey that’s important. Onward!

-Jess

Addison and Rachel on the magic carpet! #sororitygirls #toocute

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 12:08:33 -0600

Addison and Rachel on the magic carpet! #sororitygirls #toocute

My adorable wife. Happy birthday, my love.

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 11:50:58 -0600

My adorable wife. Happy birthday, my love.

This is why we live in Colorado. I love this state.

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 11:42:18 -0600

This is why we live in Colorado. I love this state.

Snow tubing in Frisco! Yeah baby!

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 11:27:10 -0600

Snow tubing in Frisco! Yeah baby!

65 degrees yesterday. Snow today. Colorado, I just don’t...

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 08:46:10 -0700

65 degrees yesterday. Snow today. Colorado, I just don’t understand you. But I love you all the same.

Olivia Newton John isn’t the only one getting...

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 19:01:10 -0700

Olivia Newton John isn’t the only one getting “Physical” in this house!

The perfect cure for a chilly Saturday. Coffee and cupcakes at...

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 15:56:48 -0700

The perfect cure for a chilly Saturday. Coffee and cupcakes at The Shoppe with my love.

-Addison

Reflections on Gender, Part Three

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0700

That didn’t last long.

The “ode to my womanhood” that I wrote only a month or so ago (click here to review it) feels like a distant memory now. It didn’t take long until I realized that the connectedness I was feeling toward my female identity was fleeting.

Quickly, I drifted away from that end of the binary. Swam back toward genderqueer waters. Dipped my toes in the pool of masculinity. I haven’t drown. Not yet anyway.

So what brought on my connection to my womanhood? Wanting babies. Loving women. Witnessing a hateful, nationwide attack on women. Talking to proud butch women who bravely blur gender lines with their short hair, male clothing, and masculine energy.

Undoubtedly, women are beautiful. Powerful. Women have babies. Women fight back against attacks on their access and their health. Women walk through a world that still oppresses them and stay strong.

Women are incredible. You can’t deny it. And on the day I wrote my “ode,” I felt it — the power of women.

But I’m on a journey. And it isn’t over yet, my mind and my heart tell me. I still have some exploring, some learning to do.

So what brought on my shift, my swim away from the female end of the gender binary, after feeling so connected to it?

Sitting at a table with Addison and another couple — and the waiter calling us “ladies.” It hit me all wrong. I didn’t look like a lady, didn’t feel like a lady, didn’t want to be called a lady. But it happened, and it sent me swimming. It got me thinking about the other part of me — the masculine part.

The part of me that looks in the mirror and is only happy with what I see when the image staring back at me is masculine. In fact, the more masculine I look, the more confident, secure, and comfortable I feel.

The part of me that uses the men’s restroom because the women’s restroom was scary and overwhelming. Women, unlike men, police their restrooms. They guard their spaces, inspecting anyone who walks in. The examination I was experiencing each time I walked into the women’s restroom with my short hair and tie — it was too much. I fled.

The part of me that hates my breasts. Has hated them since they emerged on my chest in middle school and hampered my basketball playing. Has bought bra after bra looking for one to minimize and hide them. Has researched expensive surgery for them.

One month ago, I screamed, “I am woman; hear me roar.”

Today, I wonder, “Who am I?” Am I genderqueer? Am I a proud butch lesbian, a proud woman with a male gender expression? Am I transgender?

My gender journey continues. Up and down, left and right, female and male. Today, I am in touch with my masculine energy. One month ago, I was tied to my womanhood. Two months before that, I embraced genderqueer for the first time.

I won’t pretend that this post is the end of the journey. It is yet another stop. I’ll see you at the next one.

-Jess

It’s Snowmageddon 2012 in Denver today! This is by far...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 09:28:00 -0700

It’s Snowmageddon 2012 in Denver today! This is by far the most snow Jess and I have seen since moving to Colorado in October 2010, so we just wanted to share some of our photos with friends and family back in SC. So far we’ve gotten over 12 inches and it’s still coming down!

And if you’re interested, here’s a link to the Denver Post talking about the snowstorm. My bank wasn’t closed today, but they were opening late and probably closing early. I work in Parker, and I have to take I-25 south, which according to CDOT is a “trouble spot.” I’m very grateful to have been given a snow day!

-Addison

Four Emotions I've Been Feeling Lately

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 19:09:00 -0700

1. Nostalgic. You might have noticed that South Carolina has been consuming the news of late. With the Republican presidential primary tomorrow, every article or story on the radio is from Columbia or Charleston. And each time I hear one, my mind drifts back to all that I loved about my home state. Summer afternoons on the lake with friends. Laughing with my sister until I cried while playing games at my mother’s kitchen table. Walking through the gardens where Addison and I were married with a glass of red wine in my hand. All the good of South Carolina floods my mind, and it makes me miss home. Of course, logically, I know I’m just feeling nostalgic. I know that, right now, South Carolina is not where I’m supposed to be. I’m not sure it ever will be again. But when I look back, I remember all the good it brought to my years — from falling in love with Addison when I was just 17 years old to driving down the interstate surrounded by sun and green trees. And I forget, just for a moment, all the bad things it brought — from a complete stranger yelling at me “You’ll never be a man” to being denied every protection and right I need to take care of my wife. Maybe it’s better to forget the bad and just remember the good. The good of youth, of family, of friends, of sunshine, of lakes and beaches and rivers, of Rita’s Italian Ice and Mr. Friendly’s tater tots.

2. Energized. The legislative session has started up here in Colorado, and I am once again engaged in a fight that I care very deeply about. For the second year in a row, my colleagues and I at One Colorado are working to advance civil unions legislation. We’re facing an uphill battle, with a Capitol that’s overwhelmed by a negative, partisan vibe, but I am energized by the process. We’re strategizing how to earn Republican support, mobilizing thousands of supporters, and telling our stories to change hearts and minds. It’s invigorating. And if our legislators listen to the 76% of Coloradans who support civil unions and pass the bill, Addison and I will rejoice, for we will have just made Colorado a better, safer place for the family we’re hoping to start.

3. Anxious. As many of you know, Addison and I are going to have to move again in May. Our landlord is selling the apartment that we love and adore. Selling it and forcing us to search, once again, for a place to live in May. I’ve known about our impending move for several months now, and it’s causing me tremendous anxiety. I wish someone had just told me in April that we had to move. That would be better. I would have panicked and worried, but it would have lasted for only a short time. As is, by the time we actually move, I will have worried about moving for seven months. I will have struggled to decide on what area of town to look in for seven months. I will have searched Craigslist for seven months. I could go on…

4. Baby Crazy & Greedy. My biological clock is tick, tick, ticking away, telling me to have a baby now, now, now. I can’t seem to stop it. Even being around crying children doesn’t help. Nope, no matter how good or bad the young one is, they make my ovaries do a little cartwheel. It doesn’t matter that I’m not ready for a baby — not emotionally, financially, or mentally — biology demands a bun in the oven. But I cannot fulfill biology’s needs. Addison has set up some strict parameters for when we can bring forth Little Woodrum, and one of her rules centers on money. We must have a pre-determined (by her, of course) amount of money in the bank before we can even create a plan for Little Woodrum. And so I’m greedy. Very greedy. Want to send me money? I’ll take it; I have no pride. Biology is gathering up every last penny and placing it in a savings account for Little Woodrum. I’ve never been quite so greedy before in my life. But maybe you’ll forgive me for this sin if I just blame it on biology?

-Jess

An Izzie burrito! I wrapped her up in a blanket before we left...

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 16:20:11 -0700

An Izzie burrito! I wrapped her up in a blanket before we left because the heat in our building is broken. She was still all snuggled up when we came home - 3 hours later!