Sweet Home Carolina

It’s been 104 days since Addison and I drove our U-Haul trailer back into Columbia, South Carolina. The time has flown by — so fast, in fact, that we haven’t had the time to write.

But here I am now. A Southern gentleman back home in the Carolinas.

And nearly every day of the past 104 someone asks: how do you like being home?

My response? It feels like home.

I’ve lived a lot of my life in Columbia, and it feels comfortable. Since being back, it’s even felt comforting.

We have loving family close by, and we’ve spent many weekends with them sharing stories and making memories. We have dear friends here who have embraced Addison and me tightly, helping us settle back in. We have restaurants and shops and parks and hang-outs and rivers and lakes we’ve known and loved for many years, and we’ve slipped right back into our comfort zone with them.

I guess Columbia is simply home to us, and we’re quite glad to be back.

We’re living in an adorable two-bedroom condo right on the Broad River. We call it our little treehouse because when we look out the windows, we see so many shades of green as we look out onto the water. We have a lovely screen porch, and the second bedroom has become a rather cozy home office for me.

Our place is close to downtown, where all the best restaurants, bars, and entertainment spots are. A mile up the road is an amazing, affordable gym, where you can find us three nights a week. Our little treehouse is also convenient for Addison to get to work. So all in all, it’s a good spot for us for now, until we’re ready for a house.

Since we’ve been back, we’ve already done many of the things we missed so much while we were away. We’ve spent our weekends playing on the lake and kayaking in the river. We’ve walked around the gardens where we were married, drinking wine and looking at what’s bloomed. We’ve gone to the beach and breathed in the air of the Blue Ridge Mountains. We’ve eaten my mother’s amazing cooking, and we’ve played cards.

And we’ve been spending so much time with the people we love so dearly that we’ve had little time to write. But we’re hoping to re-commit and share more about life and work and fun and our plans for the future.

Until next time, just know we’re happy and healthy and loving our life and the wonderful people who are in it.

-Jace

The Journey from Colorado to South Carolina: Day 5

On day 5 of our journey home to South Carolina, we spent an entire day enjoying Memphis, Tennessee. Sadly, even though we spent a whole day in Memphis, we only took a couple of photos. Here they are for your viewing pleasure!

Addison standing on Beale Street.


Our lunchtime view of a blues band playing away at BB Kings.


Happy at lunch.

The Journey from Colorado to South Carolina: Day 4

On Day 4 of Addison & Jace’s incredible journey from Colorado to South Carolina, we made a brief but fun stop in Little Rock, Arkansas. We stopped for one reason only: to visit the Clinton Presidential Library & Museum. We love Bill and Hillary, and the museum was amazing, as you can see in these photos.

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The Journey from Colorado to South Carolina

On our journey home to South Carolina from Colorado, Addison and I took our time, went out of our way, and explored parts of the country we’d never visited. We followed this path:

February 1: Pack Up the Truck / Denver, CO to Colby, KS
February 2: Colby, KS to Tulsa, OK
February 3: Tulsa, OK to Little Rock, AR
February 4: Play in Arkansas / Little Rock, AR to Memphis, TN
February 5: Day in Memphis, TN
February 6: Memphis, TN to Birmingham, AL
February 7: Birmingham, AL to North Augusta, SC
February 8: North Augusta, SC to Columbia, SC

Here are pictures from days 1-3 of our adventure.

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We attached a 5 foot by 8 foot U-Haul trailer to our Subaru Outback. And Addison packed it like a pro (I only contributed the heavy lifting).

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The ONLY cool thing about Kansas: windmills. Fortunately for Kansas, they’re really freaking cool.


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Addison and Izzie looking adorable.


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Addison’s favorite thing to do is make me stand in front of stuff. Seriously, I have pictures of me standing in front of all sorts of beautiful scenes.


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Giving Izzie kisses.


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Car rides are not her favorite. Poor thing!

It’s been 4 and a half months since top surgery! I just realized that I haven’t posted any photos since these from 38 days after surgery. I’ve come along way since then, and I couldn’t be happier. I am continuing to sing the praises of Dr. Hartley of Boulder Plastic Surgery. I went to see him before Addison and I moved back to South Carolina, and we planned how to stay in touch so that he can make sure that everything continues to heal properly until it’s been a full year since surgery. Seriously, I love him. I am still thrilled with the results of surgery. I just ordered some (very expensive) silicone scar gel so that I can speed up the maturing of my scars — I need to be beach and lake ready by May! Even with the scars, I just love the look and feel of my chest. I’ve always been vain, but I really can’t stop staring at myself in the mirror and rubbing my chest. Addison makes fun of me, but I don’t even care. My only sadness is the “dog-earing” under my armpits. Dr. Hartley says that he expects they will go away within a year of having surgery. If they don’t, he’ll be able to do a very minor, in-office procedure to take care of it. Unfortunately, he didn’t want to do the procedure before we left because I need to heal more — so I’ll have to wait and see how things look in October 2013. If I still have “dog-earing,” Addison and I will plan a trip out to Denver to see the doctor, visit with friends, and return to the gorgeous mountains for a few days. Second to marrying Addison, top surgery remains the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m so thankful that I had the support, both financially and emotionally, to make it happen.
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It’s been 4 and a half months since top surgery! I just realized that I haven’t posted any photos since these from 38 days after surgery. I’ve come along way since then, and I couldn’t be happier.

I am continuing to sing the praises of Dr. Hartley of Boulder Plastic Surgery. I went to see him before Addison and I moved back to South Carolina, and we planned how to stay in touch so that he can make sure that everything continues to heal properly until it’s been a full year since surgery. Seriously, I love him.

I am still thrilled with the results of surgery. I just ordered some (very expensive) silicone scar gel so that I can speed up the maturing of my scars — I need to be beach and lake ready by May! Even with the scars, I just love the look and feel of my chest. I’ve always been vain, but I really can’t stop staring at myself in the mirror and rubbing my chest. Addison makes fun of me, but I don’t even care.

My only sadness is the “dog-earing” under my armpits. Dr. Hartley says that he expects they will go away within a year of having surgery. If they don’t, he’ll be able to do a very minor, in-office procedure to take care of it. Unfortunately, he didn’t want to do the procedure before we left because I need to heal more — so I’ll have to wait and see how things look in October 2013. If I still have “dog-earing,” Addison and I will plan a trip out to Denver to see the doctor, visit with friends, and return to the gorgeous mountains for a few days.

Second to marrying Addison, top surgery remains the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m so thankful that I had the support, both financially and emotionally, to make it happen.

Questions Frequently Asked of a Trans Guy, Part 2

Many months ago, I wrote Questions Frequently Asked of a Trans Guy, Part 1. Today, I write Part 2 and seek to continue the conversation about what it really means to be trans (and what it really means to be me). Here goes it (by the way, you should probably read Part 1 if you haven’t already since Part 2 assumes knowledge gained in Part 1).


1. Have you had the “sex change operation”?

First, “sex change” or “sex change operation” is outdated terminology. Use it, and you immediately mark yourself as uninformed. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. :-)

Second, transgender people go through a process called transition. There is no one operation that all transgender people go through; thus, there is no “sex change operation.” Instead, transgender people decide what changes (some medical, some not) are right for them and then make those changes through the process we call “transition.” 


2. Okay, okay, how’s transition going?

For me, transition has been an incredibly fulfilling process. I have legally changed my name to Jace, and my identity documents (driver’s license, passport, social security card) reflect my name as “Jace” and my gender as “male.” The process to make these changes is difficult and requires the involvement and support of a physician, but it is incredibly satisfying to see my identity reflected back at me through my documents. 

My physical (or medical) transition has also been fulfilling. Every day, I am seeing my body reflect who I am inside, and it’s amazing. Hormone therapy is going quite well. I give myself injections of testosterone twice a month, and my body is becoming more and more masculine with each passing day. Chest surgery was as smooth and easy as I could have imagined, and I am thrilled with the results. I always knew that I hated my breasts, but I never realized how incredibly whole I would feel when they were gone. I have never felt so complete and authentic.

I am perceived as male in the world nearly 100% of the time. To have the world reflect back to me the way I see myself is affirming in ways you wouldn’t believe.


3. I know you’re going through “transition,” but you’re still really a girl, right? 

When each of us is born, a doctor looks at our body and proclaims us a “girl” or a “boy” based on the parts between our legs. That proclamation is our sex, and it’s determined by nothing more than the “parts” we’re born with.

But that proclamation follows us, and it seeps into so many parts of our lives. The colors of the walls in our nursery and of the baby clothes on our backs. The activities we’re allowed to participate in. The bathroom we’re allowed to use. The jobs we’re encouraged to seek. The healthcare services we’re given. The people we’re allowed to marry.

So much of how we experience the world was decided when that doctor proclaims us “male” or “female.” For most of us, our sex (the identity assigned at birth based on “parts”) is in total alignment with our gender identity (that sense of identity that we experience in our minds). We all have a sex, and we all have a gender identity — but most of us never consider them since there is no difference between the two.

For someone like me, my sex and my gender identity don’t line up. When you say that “I’m still a girl” or that “I’ll always be a girl in your eyes” — you’re saying that the “parts” I was born with carry more weight than how I see myself.

Should my “parts” nullify all the adolescent years I spent pretending I was a boy? Should they destroy my personality, my walk, my way of thinking? Should they erase my desire to be gentleman or my hope of being a father? Should they override my sense of self?

My answer: no. No matter what the doctor proclaimed at my birth, no matter what “parts” I was given — I am a boy.  


4. Did you transition just so that you could marry Addison? Why don’t more lesbians do that?

I am thrilled to be married to Addison. She is the love of my life and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But no, I didn’t transition and change who I am just to marry her.

In fact, sexual orientation (who we’re attracted to emotionally and physically) and gender identity (our internal sense of our gender) are not the same. People, myself included, don’t transition because they are “so gay they have to become a woman” or “so lesbian they have to become a man.” People transition because they want their gender identity to be affirmed and reflected by their bodies and their lives, and that has very little to do with sexual orientation.

Before I discovered I was transgender, I was a girl attracted to girls. Now that I am transgender, I am a boy attracted to girls. My sexual orientation (the fact that I am attracted to girls) didn’t change, and my sexual orientation didn’t become so extreme that I had to change my gender. That’s just not how it works.

The fact that now I am a boy with documents that affirm my identity means that I was able to marry Addison. Our marriage is a welcome perk, but it is not the reason I came out as transgender and transitioned. As much as I love Addison, I would not change a core piece of who I am just so that we could have legal recognition under the law. That’s just not the way I work.


5.  How can I be an ally (or supportive to) to trans people?

Okay, okay, no one really asks this question, but I pose it so that I can offer some tips to non-transgender people. Here are a few DON’Ts and DOs. You’re welcome. ;-)

-Don’t ask transgender people questions that you wouldn’t ask other people. Would you ask your non-transgender coworker if they’ve had surgery on their genitals? Would you ask him which bathroom he uses or how he has sex? No? Then don’t ask a trans person.

-Don’t tell transgender people “I see the woman / man in you.” I don’t want to hear that you still see the woman in me. The way you can respect me is by working hard to see me as I see myself and as I want to be seen. That’s you respecting my identity.

-Don’t make a big deal out of the bathroom. Transgender people go to the bathroom for the same reason you do: to get in, do their business, and get out. Seriously, that’s why we’re in there. But for some reason, far too many transgender people are attacked in restrooms. The reality is: not everyone who uses “your restroom” has the same body parts as you, and that’s perfectly okay. So let’s just be adults and go to the restroom and let everyone pee in peace and safety.

-Don’t out a transgender person. Let’s say you’re at a party talking with your transgender friend (we’ll call him Jace) and another friend who Jace doesn’t know (we’ll call her Samantha). Jace walks away, and you’re left talking with Samantha. Resist the urge to tell Samantha that Jace is trans. I know it’s tempting to share this unique and exciting detail about Jace’s life, but it’s up to Jace to share his gender identity, not you. 

-Do honor people’s name and pronoun preference. I know it can be tough, but nothing communicates respect like using a transgender person’s preferred name and pronoun. Nothing.

-Do let your trans friends know that you care about them. The scariest thing about coming out is losing the people in your life. It means a lot when the people in your life show that they care and affirm that they’ll stick by you. So let the trans folks in your life know that you love them, ask them how they’re feeling after having surgery or starting hormone therapy, tell them that you’re happy to know them. It means more than you know.
 

-Jace

No Place Like Home

Two and a half years ago, Addison and I packed up our stuff and headed west to Denver. We left our home state of South Carolina for my job and for the adventure. We were sad to leave family and friends, but we were excited to journey to somewhere new. 

And what a journey it’s been. When we came to Denver, we didn’t know if we’d stay or go; all we had planned was to enjoy every minute of our adventure. And we certainly have. We have loved our time in Colorado — from trips to the mountains to Rockies games.

Now our adventure is coming to an end. Addison and I have decided to say goodbye to Colorado and return home to South Carolina. We’ve turned in notice at our jobs (though I’ll be continuing to help One Colorado until they fill the position), and we’ll be traveling the road back east the last week in January.

Making this life-changing decision was indeed difficult. But we’ve chosen to return home for several reasons:

  1. Addison and I have decided to start a family in 2013. We want to bring little ones into this world, and we can’t think of a better place to do that than surrounded by a support system of our extended family. In fact, I’m not sure how anyone raises kids without help from grandparents! Addison’s childhood memories are full of times with her grandparents; they were a huge part of her growing up. Not so for me. My grandparents were far away, and I saw them only once a year. They were so far away that I hardly knew them. That’s not what Addison and I want for our little ones. We want them to know their grandparents, to be connected to and loved by an extended family. It takes a village, and it just so happens that our village is in South Carolina.
  2. Although still young, our parents are aging, and we want to support them like they’ve supported us. Mine and Addison’s parents are still young, and we want to enjoy all the time we can with them while that’s the case. And we want to be there when they need us. It’s hard to be there when you’re in Denver, and they’re in the Carolinas. In fact, Addison and I didn’t even make it home to see family in 2012; we had too little time off and too little money. Sure, it’s hard to miss Thanksgiving and Christmas, but Addison and I miss it all — birthdays, anniversaries, annual events. We’re too far away to enjoy the traditions that become more and more precious as we all age.
  3. There’s no place like home. For me, it took leaving South Carolina to realize that it does have much to offer us. Yes, its politics are backwards (and upside-down, inside-out, messed up, whacked out, etc.), but politics don’t make life. We make life what it is by enjoying it. When I was living in South Carolina before, I refused to enjoy it. I didn’t recognize the beauty of its beaches, rivers, and lakes. I ignored the sound of thunderstorms and the green trees that you can see off in the distance. I scoffed at its mild winters, history-soaked city centers, affordable cultural offerings, and low cost of living. Instead, I was sure that anywhere else would be better. But I was wrong. Places aren’t better or worse; they’re just different. South Carolina is uniquely mine; it’s my home, and I love it for all that is good and bad about it. 

Addison and I are excited about this next phase of our journey together. She has accepted an amazing job offer in Columbia, South Carolina’s Capitol City, so we’re headed back there. I’m so proud of the career steps Addison is taking; she’s been incredible in banking, but I think she’ll be even more successful in financial planning (what she’ll be doing in SC). For me, I’m planning to strike out on my own as a freelance communications consultant. I’m open to the right full-time opportunity, but I’d love to continue working with progressive causes (like LGBT equality) in a contract capacity. And hey, what better place to try going out on your own than in your home state where you can grocery shop in your parents’ fridge if you run out of money?

Although we’re excited about our next steps, we know we will miss Denver tremendously. We have certainly loved our time here, and Colorado will always hold a special place in our hearts. For it was here that Addison and I learned so much about ourselves. It was here that I found the courage to embark on a journey that would help me discover who I am. It was here that our love grew to be so big that we decided to add to our family. I don’t know where we’d be if we hadn’t taken our adventure to Colorado, and that’s why I’ll never regret coming west.

-Jace

30 Pounds Later (& Lighter)

As you may or may not know Jace and I have been doing Weight Watchers since June.  We’ve seen a good deal of success, as we’re both down 30 lbs (hence the title of this post), but we’ve both plateaued a bit since, well, October.  So we decided to start 2013 off right by re-dedicating ourselves to the food tracking aspect of the plan.  

But we’ve also decided we’re going to up our game in respects to the gym.  I’ve gotten Jace to commit to going to the gym with me every day in January.  You read that correctly; we will be spending time in the basement gym every single day this month.  

The plan is to jumpstart our continued weight loss.  My ultimate goal is to lose another 30 pounds.  Jace thinks it’s too much, but it’s where the healthy weight for my height starts on the BMI charts, so that’s where I want to be.  I have already gone from obese to overweight, which might not sound like much, but supposedly I’m already a hell of a lot healthier than I used to be.  I’ve lowered my risks for diabetes (which runs in my family) and other obesity-related illness.  

Plus it’s just easier weighing less.  I’m down 2 pants sizes which means shopping is a LOT easier, and way more fun.  It’s easier to cross my legs and to tie my shoes.  We’ve been climbing the stairs in our building on the way back up from the gym, and while I wouldn’t call it easy, it’s certainly much easier than it was when we started.  

Another reason for my sudden re-dedication is Jace and I want to start a family.  Soon.  And every baby-making website out there says that starting pregnancy at a healthy weight is of the upmost importance.  I don’t want to deal with preeclampsia and gestational diabetes so I’m focusing on being as healthy as I can be before we start trying.  

What we’ve slated for January is quite a challenge, but it seems more doable because of the definite end date.  If we can stay the course for 31 days, we’ll start off 2013 headed in the right direction.  And really, who doesn’t want that?  

-Addison

A Decade in Review

Just a few weeks ago, I turned 30 years old. And in just a few days, 2012 will end and bring an end to the last decade of my life.

Upon my 30th birthday, a friend passed along some wise words to me:

“Your 20s are about figuring out who you are. Your 30s are about living who you are.” 

No words feel truer to me than those. My 20s were a decade of learning — often from mistakes but also from adventures that I would take again and again. My 20s were a decade of questioning myself in every way — and finding answers that weren’t always the most satisfying. My 20s were a decade of discovering who I am — even after fighting it.

In retrospect, a number of lessons stick out from a decade dedicated to figuring out who I am.

1. Real love is worth it. I realized that Addison was my forever person before she realized that I was hers. So to win her love, I put everything on the line. I left a graduate school program halfway through, packed up my bags, and moved to be where she was. I did it for the girl, and it changed the course of my life. After years of marriage, I’ve never regretted the decision to sacrifice everything in hopes that I’d win her love.

2. Work is work. After realizing that much of what I was taught in high school and college isn’t really true, I spent most of my 20s trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I grappled with the typical questions of a quarter-life crisis: “What was I good at? How could I make a difference? How can I make enough money to live?” After a decade of finding answers to these questions, the lesson I’ve learned in the last year seems to be the most valuable: work is work. It will never be perfect; it will never be the fulfillment of every dream or passion I’ve ever had; it will never be easy. It’s work, and I do it so that I can live. The grand adventure that is life — falling in love, having kids, taking care of aging parents, finding supportive friends, traveling and exploring the world, volunteering — is what I’m living for. Work just finances the adventure.

3. A family is in my future. I haven’t always known I’ve wanted kids, but through the process of growing up, finding and marrying Addison, and building a life together — I’ve discovered that I want a family. I want to be a father; I want Addison to be a mother. Sure, I’m scared about parts of parenthood. What if I mess up, what if I lose my identity, what if I can’t afford kids, what if I’m grouchy when I don’t get enough sleep, what if my kids grow up to hate Addison and me? But despite the years of fear during the decade of my 20s, now that I’m 30, I know I want to start a family with Addison (really, I’ve known since I was 27). Soon feels like as good a time as any.

4. Pay it forward. One of my dearest friends has given Addison and me incredible support throughout my 20s. She’s been a mentor, a big sister, and a sounding board. Anytime I’ve ever thanked her for all she’s done for us (which I’ll admit I’ve had to do frequently), she’s simply said, “Pay it forward.” Her words have stuck with me; they’ve become a kind of mantra that I aspire to live. I haven’t yet fulfilled her request, but I’m pledging to begin in my 30s. I will pay forward the unconditional love and unwavering support she’s shown me to a young person who needs it.

5. Be yourself, even when it’s hard. I’ve learned this lesson many times. As a freshman in high school, when I was a bit of an outcast, I found incredible friends (yes, we were called the “Special People Club”) who taught me for the first time: be you. Then when I realized I loved women (and I grappled with this reality from age 17 to age 21), I had to learn the lesson again: stop denying who you are; embrace you. And over the past several years, I’ve had to learn the lesson again. For too long, I denied my gender identity. But this year, 2012, was a turning point. I realized the lesson that many trans folks like me realize: sex is in your pants; gender is in your head. Then, I embraced my gender identity, and I decided to be myself. And like many others before me, I decided to live authentically. I decided to face the inevitable hatred and misunderstanding that would come. I decided to be me and embrace me — perhaps the most important lesson not just of the last decade but of my entire life.

Now I’m looking ahead to the next decade of life. My 30s. The years I will spend living who I am — and hopefully loving who I am. And I’ll be honest: I’m excited about it. 

-Jace